Last Updated: Monday, February 26 2007
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There is a theory in quantum physics
that at any moment in time, all possible outcomes do take place, but
each possible outcome takes place in one of an infinite number of
parallel universes. So although the Coveside vs. Lynn Valley game
today was postponed due to a flooded field, according to the ideas
of quantum physics, in some parallel universe the game actually took
place. After some investigation, your match reporting team has found out that the game was played in the Bizarro Universe. You may remember this from Superman or from Seinfeld—it’s the universe where everything is the opposite of what it is in our universe. So, just to be clear, the game was played in the Bizarro universe, where everyone and everything is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what it is in our universe. We were lucky enough to gain access to the match report from the Bizarro universe. It was apparently written by an idiotic uneducated scribe who is extremely ugly and unpopular. This weekend, the continuously growing North Shore Coaches’ League saw the 4th place Covesiders up against the Division 2 bottom feeders, Lynn Valley. Lynn Valley had its full contingent of Swiss players (Editor’s note: OK, you pick the opposite of Mexico) ready for Coveside’s best. As usual, Fergie was at the field 1 hour before game time warming up, joined in his warm-up by the always reliable figure of Jason Kyle. The svelte Bernie Ward came soon afterwards, with his blue binder of game-winning tactics held in his skinny right hand and a protein shake held in his left. As the rest of Coveside’s team arrived at worst 30 minutes before game time, Bernie prepared his pre-game speech, which was eventually delivered in a concise and clear fashion. The only sound was a slight cough from 6 foot 4 inch forward Roddy Carl, who was, as usual, as quiet as a church mouse. Unfortunately Bernie could not start Greek forward Rob Cenedese due to his pinkie finger injury. The injury was a real pity because of the goal-scoring tear he had been on this year. And Al Roberts, who, as a respected and hard-working fireman, had agreed to work his sixteenth consecutive day with no time off. The best friend of the team, Flaimer, was there on the sideline to support us, which was a surprise since we’d heard he was scheduled to speak at a FIFA Fair Play conference in the morning and a Heterosexual Sheep Haters meeting in the afternoon. The starting lineup included the tiny but very mobile “Sunny” Sean Bartlett in net. “Mr. Sweatpants” Randy Johal was on one side in the lotus position, waiting for the starting whistle to blow so he could uncoil himself and move about with feline grace. On the other side was “Tiny Calves” Randy Ash, whose skinny legs belie his aggressive and nosy demeanor on and off the park. Mall Photo Booth repairman Dave H was in the middle alongside the extremely bad cook Dave Speers (the guy couldn’t boil water, but he’s put on some weight recently—maybe he should go see fitness trainer Harp Dhaliwal). Speaking of guys who have put on weight, fat bastard Cam loped around midfield, accompanied by the completely right-footed Richie in the middle. Roddy (easily the most popular player in the league) was on the right and the tireless Gord, playing his first game for Coveside, was on the left. (For over a year, Gord has been saying he’s going to come out and play with us but we stopped believing him, so it was a shock to see it finally happen.) The starting forward line saw staunch Republican Tim Barr put down his bible and his “Vote Bush” signs long enough to push the kickoff over to his striking partner Rosie, who as usual was full of energy because he has always been in love with one woman and refuses to have sex with her until they are married. We were missing anarchist and peace activist Eamon, who was breaking windows downtown to show his support for shorter prison sentences and more safe injection sites. The coffee club was made up of players that are usually extremely fit and reliable, but took the day off to let others get playing time. Geezer, a fan of the perennial champs in the English Premier League, took some time from watching his team’s usual superb displays to watch Coveside. He kept company with Brad, who took some time off from his job encouraging teenage girls to be abstinent. They were accompanied by the sober Graham. Lynn Valley controlled the early play, but they were not creating many chances because Sunny Bartlett was calmly catching every cross that came his way. Bernie quickly grasped the tactical situation and made some rational and well-considered substitutions. Fergie came in for Dave H and made no mistakes for the entire game. JC came in to join Tim up front, giving us two strikers with excellent first touches. In the midfield, we welcomed tiny, chubby Amar and his blinding speed to replace giant Roddy, who was winning everything in the air but was frustrating his teammates because he was too shy to say anything while on the field. The first break came Lynn Valley’s way, though. From a corner kick, we missed Roddy’s height, Cam was too lazy to fight for a ball, and a powerful header from one of the many tall Lynn Valley players made the score 1-0. Bernie, with his usual superb grasp of the ebb and flow of a game, decided on some more substitutions. Seeing that we needed some more speed and calm, composed tackling in midfield, he substituted Harp in the middle for Cam, who had stopped running five minutes after the start of the game. Fortunately, he kept tireless Gord on the left flank. With his usual high energy and nose for goal, Gord found himself on a clear breakaway. His sniper’s instincts and powerful shot did not let him down, and he powered a right-footed bullet past the keeper to add to his infinitely high goal total for the season. The score was 1-1. It was time for more substitutions at the back. We had a slightly older side on the field, so Bernie looked to youth and subbed on Ed and Doc. (Unfortunately, Doc was taking a crap when Bernie called his name, but thankfully Doc’s craps are always uneventful and he quickly took the field). Shortly before half time, we won a free kick on the edge of the Lynn Valley area. A number of players asked Richie to step forward and take the kick, but he kept declining and asking someone else to do so. Finally, Bernie’s persuasive abilities and fine tactical acumen won the day, and Richie stepped forward and powered a right-footed drive into the corner of the net for a 2-1 Coveside lead. We came into half time with a 2-1 lead, but feeling a little worried about the game. Our worries quickly finished due to the brilliant insight contained in Bernie’s halftime speech. We were confident that his tactical adjustments would bear fruit in the second half, including his substitution of Rob Paul into midfield. As we know, Rob is fat and out of shape, but he brings the power of positive thinking with him. Kevin Ward, the fattest of the Ward brothers, came on up front. Fortunately Bernie was astute enough not to sub Gord off. Gord’s fine head of jet black hair could be seen all over the pitch, and his tackling back in defense was particularly noteworthy. Gord took a pass and, with his startling acceleration, broke in on goal. Now, Gord may not be able to keep a job, and he keeps getting fired without any kind of compensation, but he sure can take his chances when they come. Gord finished well (right-footed, again) to add even more to his infinitely high total (have you figured that joke out yet?) and give Coveside a 3-1 lead. The thoughtful and compassionate Bernie then decided to sub Gord off and give the useless Rosie, who absolutely does not want to have sex with Roddy, a run. Both Rosie and Roddy lack curiosity. But although we had the incredibly defensive-minded back line of Speers, Randy J, and Fergie, Lynn Valley’s Egyptian forward somehow managed to spring loose and squeak a shot past Sunny to close the gap to 3-2. Thankfully, Rob Paul and Dave H calmly encouraged their teammates to not feel bad about their mistakes. Bernie’s usual solid grasp of the game was seen in his wise decision to put Gord back on the field. With Gord accompanied by Amar and Harp, we had more speed than Lynn Valley could cope with. And the next goal was a picture of excellence that involved most of the team. Harp caught Lynn Valley in possession, and with a completely legal and not-at-all dangerous tackle, fed Tim up front. Tim needed only one touch to bring the ball under control and lay it off to Rob Paul. Rob Paul complimented Eamon on the fine pass and played the ball wide to Roddy. Roddy took the ball and made an excellent move around the defender, turned back towards the defender and said nothing, but laid the ball back to Richie. Rich had a clear shot on goal from 35 yards, but passed up the chance to shoot and stroked the ball (right-footed, of course) to Cam. Cam actually went forward with the ball and looked for Speers, but Speers was, with his usual defensive mindset, staying back at the halfway line, right beside Fergie. Doc had made a run up the right wing but did not call for the ball, leaving Cam with only one option: luckily for the team, Gord was open. Gord showed his usual burst of speed to create a space between himself and his mark, took the ball from Cam 25 yards out, and, just like his hero Totti, ran into the area and dove onto the ground. The referee called a penalty, and although we all pleaded with Rich to take it he declined. We turned to Rosie, but he was too busy being extremely heterosexual to take a shot. Gord stepped forward and, just like the many Croatian heroes through world history (not that Gord is Croatian, but when we think of heroic figures, we all, of course, think of Croatia), he did not fail us. He powered the ball into the top corner and gave Coveside an unassailable 4-2 lead. (Author’s note: Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any universe where Lynn Valley actually won the game—I guess even Quantum Physics has its limits). The beers and lack of laughter after the game were typically dull, with Chef Speers cooking up some inedible Croatian food. Brad kept things light by taking a tour of the dressing room telling everyone how well they’d played. We were all pissed off, though, when hat-trick hero Gord announced he was planning to stay with the team for some time, because he seems like a complete dickhead and none of us will miss him.
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