1. His craving for human brains usually wakes him up at dawn
2. His probation officer dropped him off at 9
3. The voices in his head always start talking at 6am
4. The naked girl living in the pit in his house cried all night
5. He had to be up early to get the freshest crack from the dealers

Bernie's pre-game speech broke new mathematical and logical ground when he tried to argue that we needed to win the match to ensure we qualify for the provincials.  Since three teams qualify and we had only a slim 12-point lead on fourth-placed Freybe and +21 on goal differential with four games left, presumably he was cautioning us against a 22-0 defeat. Rob Paul thought is all made sense.

We enjoyed an abundance of Dhaliwals coming off the couch, I mean bench, along with a rich bevy of subs that included Cormac, Ed, Speerchucker, and Graham.  The coffee club was headed up by Geezer, Brad and his boobies, and Ollie Kiff.

The early exchanges were very even.  It soon became clear the match was going to be a battle in the middle of the park, and it was highly congested there.  We did well when we kept the ball to the outside and pushed up the wings, but we had far too many giveaways when we tried to force the ball back into the middle of the park or tried to put a long ball through.

Freybe was battling hard but finding it hard to string passes together.  And although the game was very competitive, there were few dodgy tackles.  At this early point in the match Dirty Twat had not yet tried to injure someone.  Was this because:

1. The stimulants were yet to kick in
2. He was thinking back to the good times he used to have on that Port Coquitlam pig farm
3. Of his three working neurons, two were still inactive
4. He was still in his happy place thinking about that cute number 9 that plays for Lynn Valley
5. He was trying, but at this early point in the game Coveside were too quick for him
6. He prefers the dramatic effect of causing serious injuries late in games

The first break came Coveside’s way when a sparkling run from Randy J (my co-man of the match) brought the ball up to Freybe’s penalty area.  He found the ball back at his feet about 20 yards out and struck a sweet shot that dipped over the Freybe keeper, who, as an aside, should perhaps realize that his moustache and overly tight goalie shirt and pants makes him look like one of those faded porn stars in Boogie Nights.  1-0 Coveside.

We were beginning to play better and control the play.  This always concerns Bernie, as he doesn’t want us to develop too much momentum.  So he subbed out both central defenders, his center half, and his starting forwards. That fixed our momentum problem, and Freybe gained the upper hand.  A ball into the area brought a hard shot from not far out, and Cloudy (my other co-man of the match) made a superb reflex save that brought the crowd to its feet.  We went into half-time with a 1-0 lead.

We came out fast for the second half and soon added to our score.  Rob Paul, who had one of his grumpy days on the park, found some space down the right wing and put a cross into the area.  It skipped past the first defender to Rosie at the far post, who nodded it in for a 2-0 Coveside lead.

We were well in control at this point, but they say 2-0 is the mostdangerous lead, and although we dominated for a while, we spurned several good chances to put the game away.  As we got a bit tired and casual on the ball, Freybe gradually came into the game.  When Red found some space from 25 yards out and put a carbon copy of Randy J’s opening goal past Cloudy, it was game on at 2-1.  We were tiring and Freybe were pressing.

Cue Dirty Twat.  Gino leaped to control a ball.  Gino was directly between Twat and the ball.  So when Gino was in mid-air, Twat flew into him from behind the way he used to fly into sheep as a teenaged boy.   He stunningly only received a yellow card, which I think even the ref realized later was a mistake.  Whatever happened to Italians looking out for Italians?

Then, as if to literally add insult to injury, as Gino lay on the ground with a broken and dislocated thumb, Twat turned his back and walked away. Was this because:

1. He is a moron who didn’t realize what he did had just seriously injured someone
2. He is an insensitive prick who didn’t care he had injured someone

Those are the only two choices: moron or insensitive prick.

Well done to Gino for levering himself off the ground high enough to call Twat a cheap prick.

The lads on Freybe are a bit Jekyll and Hyde, in that while most of them are good lads you’d like to have a beer with, the ones who are c*nts are complete c*nts.  As Gino lay on the ground their keeper came off his line to tell us to stop our bitching.  C*nt.  Later one of Freybe’s own players told the keeper to quit bitching at everyone.  Good guy.  And still later, the bearded blunt instrument that plays up front (whose name ironically is clunt) was lucky to only get a yellow when he completely ignored the ball to send Dave H flying.  Cl*nt indeed.

Some spirited challenges followed this one, but nothing else came of them and the final whistle was greeted with relief from a tired Coveside team. Bernie admonished us to say nothing in the handshake, but he could at least have provided some hand sanitizer to clean the residue of Dirty Twat off our fingers afterwards.  Twat then went home to watch his  favourite movie, which is:

1. NAMBLA’s promotional video
2. Sheep Anatomy 101
3. How to make friends and influence people
4. Psycho
5. Deliverance
6. ******* does boys

The beers and laughs after the game were as good as ever, although we were all pretty pissed at what had happened to Gino and hoped the news from the hospital was good—with a new baby at home and two others, he’ll need that thumb (a) to help his wife and (b) to keep his sex life active.  The picture below, though, shows that his thumb took quite a beating.

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Nordic next!  See you at practice or next weekend.