The process of writing a match report is the same every week. On Sunday afternoon I deconstruct Dave Hannah's previous week's article and see how much of it I can just recycle. On Sunday evening I try to think of new ways to bring bowel movements, fat people, short people, wine sipping Irish coaches, and logs into the mix. On Monday, I block out the morning in my hectic diary make numerous calls to find out who scored the goals and in which order, why Graham was drunk this week, and exactly what formation did Bernie mean to put on the field. On Monday afternoon I spend hours staring at the 50 words I've done, write a couple of crap comments and post the fucking thing. None of that was necessary this week. On Sunday Coveside FC clinched their first ever North Shore Coaches League Championship by beating Norvan and watching Nordic lose to Freybe and that meant this week's Match Report would practically write itself: Champions at the expense of Nordic. Get in.

On September 14^th 1997 a motley group of footballers took to the field at Lynn Valley under the watchful gaze of Player/Coach Bernie Ward. The first game of Coveside FC’s history was against Meralomas and sported a line up including Paul Chapman, Ed Dunystee, Craig Larson, Bryn Botham, Mike Norris, Ian Powell, Rob Paul, Nick Woods, Sam Bramley, Ryan Matches, Brad Chapman, Amar Dhaliwal, Mike Pascoe, Dave Sherry, Peter Kennedy, Adam Schwartz, and Bernard Ward. Harp Dhaliwal was in Regina. Bernie thinks we won the game 1-0. During the years Coveside had suffered many humiliating defeats at the hands of Norvan and it was not a little ironic that it was the boys in green that now stood in the way of the ultimate prize.

It was a bitterly cold and windswept Sunday morning at Inter Rivers Park and Bernie cut a lonely figure as he gently coaxed the cooler out of his truck, scraped last weeks dregs of red wine, fag ends and Molson cans off the corner flags and goal net and set of to make a little North Shore Coaches league history. A victory over Norvan and anything less than a victory by Nordic over Freybe would mean that Coveside FC would be crowned champions for 2005/2006. Could it be?

Coach Ward opted for a starting line-up of Cloudy, Randy J, Fergie, Dave Hannah, Martin, Roddy, Cam, Richie, Brad, Gino, and Mike. On the sidelines were Ken, Gord, Randy A, Eamonn, Amar, and Graham.

With the wind blowing stronger that Doc after a lima bean, chick pea, and soya loaf Coveside looked to come out strong. With his most telling contribution of the game (except for stopping a shot with his face) Dave Speers won the toss and Coveside were kicking with the Nor’Easter and within 5 minutes had the breakthrough they were looking for.

As was predicted and hoped, the Norvan keepers’ first high clearance got held up in the gale, Richie Hawes headed the ball back towards goal, the wind carried it over the last defender and the sprightly Mike Brown pounced on it to give Coveside the lead. Coveside 1-0!

Like Bernie sitting on the bog after a late night feast of tatties, black pudding, lava bread both the wind and the level of effort were terrific.

Cam and Richie were controlling the middle of the field and not allowing Norvan to build any tempo. Roddy was having his normal large game on the right while Brad was having his normal small game on the left (it’s all about balance after-all). Upfront Gino struggled to keep his centre-parting intact and his temper in check when Coach Ward attempted to sub him off. In one of the most selfless acts in the nearly 10 years of Coveside football, Mike Brown walked of the field on Gino’s behalf. Nice work fella.

With Eamonn now partnering Gino in attack the game took on a new complexion upfront..... i.e slower. 

The second goal was a blinder, the ball found itself from the right wing into wide open Dave Speers. Resisting the temptation to blast the ball over the net Speers cleverly played it into the path of the overlapping Roddy who buried the ball into the net with his left foot. The number 2 shirt he was wearing had never covered so much ground. Coveside 2-0!

If the second goal was a blinder the third was a cracker. After a period of concerted pressure on the Norvan goal the ball found itself at the feet of Dave Hannah, some 25 yards from goal. The Professor hit the ball so hard that it hit the back on the net before the keeper could move. Coveside 3-0!

If third goal was a blinder the fourth was a monster. Brad pounced on the lose ball like the last piece of Dim Sum at the all you can eat buffet at Fortune Wheel, he played the ball into Richie, who first timed it into the path of Cam. Taking one quick look Cam placed the ball over the Norvan keeper. Coveside 4-0

The 4-0 halftime score stunned Bernie into silence and it was left for the lads to wonder what this result would do Nordic who now needed to beat Freybe to keep their season alive. Warnings were passed about the weather advantage just about to be handed to Norvan. Comment was also passed about Graham’s appearance. What Bernie knows about sartorial elegance could be written on the g-string of a lap dancer but even he told Graham to go and put on something decent. 

Immediately after the restart Norvan were applying the wind-assisted pressure that had been so important in the first half. It was going to be important that the Coveside defence could withstand the early barrage and settle into a rhythm.

Coveside did more than absorb the pressure they scored another goal. A great through ball by someone allowed Mike Brown to skip past the last Norvan only to be brought down for a penalty. Actually he hung in the air like the skinny little stick man he is as the wind blew him hither and thither, but I digress. Eamonn Ward our normal penalty taker (and someone a Level 5 hurricane couldn’t blow over) tapped Mike on the shoulder and our handsome sponsor stepped up to bury the ball past the Norvan keeper. 5-0 to Coveside.

After this it was one way traffic. Norvan finally came to terms with the conditions and started to wellie the ball up the field and put consistent pressure on Cloudy in the Coveside goal.

The pressure resulted in 3 quick goals, two from corners, and one other from a scramble of hilarious proportions. I’m pretty sure that one of the goals was the result of Dave Speers hooking the ball in over his own shoulder. Despite this flurry the final result was never in doubt and Coveside left the field with a comprehensive 5-3 victory.

The following game was Freybe against Nordic. Anything less than a Nordic victory would mean the league championship would go to Coveside. The mind-numbing cold did not prevent beers being consumed, one-legged lesbians being discussed,  and the undermanned Freybians being cheered.

Against all odds a Freybe victory was the result and so finally it all comes back to the great man himself, Bernie Ward. During 10 years he has managed to keep the core values of the team intact, from the first day it been about the laughs (or the Craic as they would say in Ireland) and the beers. The fact that a game of football sometimes breaks out is purely coincidental. The fact that we won the championship without taking ourselves seriously is unbelievable.

Thanks for everything Bernie. Enjoy that hangover.