Last Updated: Saturday, 6 January 2007
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An absolutely
stunning fall morning in Vancouver saw Coveside and Nordic resume
their rivalry on the shaggy grass of Inter River Park. With the
Coveside team more depleted than Graham after a night of Seattles
(please ask Graham or Speers for an explanation), this game
presented a great opportunity for the Nordic side to get an edge in
what many long-time observers of the NCSL expect will be the battle
for top spot. And on the same day that the European Ryder cup team
finished treating the American team in the same way that Doc’s
bowels treat a flaxseed and meat taco, we took to the pitch hoping
that we would look a little bit better than Phil Mickelson in a cat
suit. A very even game, marked by some excellent goaltending and
some missed chances at both ends, ended in a 1-1 tie. While Nordic has bolstered their side from last year, Bernie’s strategy of signing only family members has left us without the depth that we have enjoyed in previous years. We came into the match more banged up than Peter Griffin’s prostate after the season premiere of Family Guy. Handsome Cum was out with a knee injury. Fergie continues to suffer from a pulled hamstring, which surprisingly is not responding to his daily treatments of weed and sleep. Jason continues to nurse a sore groin (his own, we hope). Mike has taken his 125 pounds and moved to either Newfoundland or Guam. Martine was planning his upcoming move back home to Guadalajara, which Bernie was surprised to hear is an actual city and not a Jimmy Buffett lyric. Al Roberts was attending a sexual harassment seminar at the Richmond fire hall. (Sample lesson: straddling a hose and saying “hey baby, let me stick this in your hot spot” might be considered to be offensive). Eamon Ward’s knee continues to heal at the same rate as Bernie’s liver. Kevin Ward is on track for a return to action in November. In 2007. Randy Ash is still suffering from a sore back, but he hasn't missed a single pony fetish party. Fortunately, we did see the welcome return of Rob Paul, who thought we were playing Lordic. He anchored the midfield by committee: just as George and Jerry together could do the work of a single man, Rob Paul and Gino together aimed to do the work of a single Cam. Rob and Gino were in the middle with Rod on the right and Doc on the left. Tim and Rosie started up front with a back line of Dave H and Richie in the middle, Randy J on the right and Dave “Iron Chef” Speers on the right. Unfortunately Randy J’s groin only held up for about 2 minutes before he needed to come off (sounds like the Geezer’s sex life) and he was replaced by Amar. JC, Graham, and Gord all played substantial roles off the bench, and we had a strong coffee club headed up by Brad, Geezer, Russ, and Bernie Ward Sr., who I want to personally thank for visiting the porta-potty before me and almost killing me with his gas. We began the game with our now-traditional crap start. We were struggling with players in unfamiliar positions, and our solution to the uncertainty was for everyone on the field to tell everyone else what to do. We also had ignored the pre-game instructions to avoid the long ball, and were punting the ball up the field and hoping for our forwards to use their speed. But Nordic has added some speed at the back and weren’t as vulnerable as we expected. Unlike Brad’s spermatozoa after an afternoon spent downloading clips from anallawyers.com, there was very little movement away from the ball. On the other hand, Nordic were getting the ball in some dangerous positions. On one move up the park a high cross was collected by Cloudy. A Nordic forward’s hard challenge brought both a yellow card and a shouted response from Graham, who had just come on the field and hadn’t yet touched the ball. On the day he had the dubious achievement of having more yellow cards than touches. Apparently Graham’s threats were reported to the Vancouver police, as CSI-Vancouver graced us with his attendance later in the game (In case you were wondering where the smell of sulphur came from.) Nordic finally capitalized on their greater possession with a scrambly goal. A high cross eluded Cloudy and was nodded back across the goal. Before we could get to the ball it was bundled just over the line by a Nordic forward for a 1-0 lead. We reacted well to the goal and began to settle. We’re a much better team when we take our time advancing the ball up the pitch, and we started looking to get the ball wide and work it around the back. And although we didn’t manage to create many chances, we went into the half feeling like the momentum was turning our way. The half-time talk emphasized togetherness, mutual support, and unity. Or was that the Speedo Gino was wearing? Anyway, we felt like we had worked the bad play out of our systems and were ready to take control. We moved Richie up to midfield, Speers and Doc back to defense, and rumour has it Harp moved from one side of his bed to the other. We were the better team early on in the second half, and deserved our equalizer when it came. A good ball from Rod found his lover unmarked at the top of the area, and Rosie turned and buried the ball like he buries his *&&*%#& in Roddy’s #$*88#. (In case you were wondering what the censored letters were, they were “flowers” and “garden.” Those two just love their botany!) A 1-1 draw, and it was Game On! We played extremely well for the next 20 minutes. A cross from Rod was met by Rosie at the spot, and his glancing header brought an outstanding save from the Nordic keeper. It looked like we were going to take the lead when Gino burst in from the left by-line, cut past a defender, and slid a pinpoint cross to Rosie, who was about 4 yards out in the centre of the goal. But Ross somehow slid the ball wide and it stayed 1-1. In all fairness to Ross, he’s been outstanding so far this year and has my vote for our early season MVP. But as we all know, as a striker you are only as good as your last chance. Rosie, you suck ass. In spite of stalwart defending by Doc, whose total playing time this day totalled the number of minutes he'd played in the previous seven games, Nordic had their chances. A strong run and some good moves led to a Nordic forward blasting a sharp-angled shot that forced Cloudy to make an excellent reflex save. Cloudy also tipped a free-kick over the bar and came out hard and fast to deny a goal scoring opportunity. But we were a bit lucky when their forward, put clean through, poked the ball just wide. And right at the end of the match, when Nordic’s chief sniper got the ball in the box on his favored left foot, we feared the worst; but he put the shot over the bar and the final whistle went soon afterwards. The 1-1 final was a fair result on the day, and one we’ll take given our depleted lineup. It was a fun game to play in, and personally I’d rather play a tough, tight game like that every weekend than play in the debacle we watched afterwards, as Freybe weathered Duzzi’s dubious finishing to take a 5-1 half-time lead on N.A.F.C., which apparently stands for Nauseatingly Awful Football Club. An easier game beckons next weekend against Seymour, although the defense will have a Vas Deferens due to your scribe’s absence. |
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