Last Updated: Saturday, 1 April 2006

Coveside 8 - 0 Lynn Valley
Report Details:
Date: 29 Jan 2006
Reporter: TP
Location: Confederation

In my lifetime, I have seen many successful crossovers. Shania Twain crossed over from country to pop successfully, thanks in part to knee-high boots, leopard-skin catsuits, and a belly button you just want to suck on. Anne Heche has crossed over successfully from straight, to gay, to bisexual, and (I think) to straight again. And Bernie has crossed over from beer to wine. But the most recent crossover games in the NCSL this past weekend were an unmitigated disaster, with Div 2 teams not showing up (Blueridge), showing up with undermanned squads, or, as in the case of this weekend’s opponents Lynn Valley, showing up undermanned and getting blown out 8-0.

As we arrived at Mahon field on another cool, rainy day we once again had good numbers. But at kickoff time Lynn Valley had only nine players. We started with Cloudy in net, the soon-to-be-in-the-attacking-end-of-the-field central defense of Fergie and Dave H, and the soon-to-be-bailing-out-the-central-defenders wing backs of Brad and Randy Ash. Cam and Rich started in the center with Gord and Martin on the wings, and Tim and Eamon started up front. Our list of subs included Roddy, Graham, Speers, JC, and some Italian guy who apparently used to score goals for us.

Seeing our opponents with only nine men made this game harder to get into than a nun’s panties. We went through the motions of passing the ball around and trying not to embarrass ourselves. Brad was the only player able to maintain some level of intensity, and his good play led to an early goal. Nudging the ball forward with his left breast (Brad noted that it’s a good thing he has C-cups or he’d have lost the ball), he burst down the right flank and put in a hard, low cross. The keeper couldn’t handle it and Tim was on hand to knock the ball into the empty net. Mahalo very much and it was 1-0. Tim soon doubled his tally and ours by pouncing on a rebound. 2-0 Coveside. The Lynn Valley lads were, to their credit, not giving in and trying to knock the ball around, but it’s a pretty tough task with 9 guys.

3-0 took a surprisingly long time to come: surprising because by this time the center of our back line had completely disappeared and we were now into a 2-4-4 formation. Your scribe was one of the offenders, making a run up field and laying the ball out wide to Roddy. He found Eamon at the top of the area, and he made no mistake with a hard finish to the bottom corner. 4-0 took a bit longer again, but a ball over the top set free a just-subbed-on-the-field JC. With his first touch of the ball in two months, he lobbed the ball over the keeper. His second touch, unfortunately, was a very ugly foul throw. Ugly was the right word for the rest of the first half (and much of the game) and half-time was 4-0.

Bernie encouraged moderation in his half-time words. But it’s tough to really internalize the message of moderation from anyone with a plastic cup of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

Our play in the second half seemed to have two aims: (1) getting us more goals and (2) getting them more goals. Fergie worked towards the second of these by trying a cross-field ball from the left wing from about 12 yards out from the by-line. He picked out their forward brilliantly. Speers, who had come into net for Cloudy, did extremely well to block the shot and roll the ball back to another forward for another chance. He blocked that opportunity too to keep our clean sheet. Richie later successfully defended a 3 on 1 (aided by Fergie, who could have helped Richie but preferred to play a solo offside trap) by backing up until the forward mysteriously decided to lay the ball back to midfield.

Our 5-0 goal came when a neat ball through freed Cam for a clear run on goal. He kept his balance and rode off a challenge by a defender to finish well for a 5-0 lead. 6-0 came shortly after when Richie crashed in a twice-in-a-lifetime shot from 25 yards.

The only one who couldn’t score (a fact that, from what I’ve been told, mirrors his younger days prowling the Roxy) was Gino. He put one breakaway chance straight at the keeper, then on his next chance tried to crash right through the Lynn Valley keeper to get to a loose ball. That keeper has, apparently, been playing over 30s for at least 20 years (which, according to Rob Paul, makes him at least 33). Boy, he won’t mess with Gino again.

Then, in the most sportsmanlike move of the night, your scribe decided to capitalize on the poor keeper’s injury by chipping him from 18 yards for the 7-0 goal. After Gino crashed into his knee, the poor fella couldn’t have jumped high enough to touch the crossbar. (In my defense, I wasn’t thinking about who was in goal when I chipped the ball. Then I looked up and felt shame). Lynn Valley’s number 7 made me feel a bit better by encouraging me to chip the ball every time I touched it for the rest of the game. That’s the first time I’ve been trash talked by someone losing 7-0.

The only remaining suspense was whether Tim would get his hat-trick. He had a couple of chances go begging until a cross came to him at the top of the area. He controlled and finished cleanly into the bottom corner for 8-0. As they say in Hawaii, Âiwaiwa! (This means Amazing! Mystifying! Fantastic!) Or, as they say in Croatia, Ovo nije svježe! (This actually means “this is not fresh.”) And the game by now was pretty rotten. The ref’s mercy whistle stopped the game at 8-0. It was a tough one for the Lynn Valley lads, and, quite frankly, not a really fun one for us either.

As we gathered to enjoy the post-game beers and laughs in the increasingly freezing rain, we discussed the prospect of one of this year’s Div 1 teams (probably Malones) being promoted and one of the Div 2 teams (either Seymour, Lynn Valley, or Blueridge) being promoted. Now, just to editorialize here, from what I’ve heard, Blueridge did not field a team today, we beat a nine-man Lynn Valley team 8-0, and Freybe must have beaten Seymour by a similar score. Does it make any sense to promote one of these teams and demote a Malone’s team that is competitive with the Div 1 teams?

Anyhow, only four games left to decide the Div 1 championship, starting with Blueridge next week. See you all at practice and next Sunday.

P.S. This is the first report I’ve written without a single Roddy short joke. This is not by accident: I’ve decided that jokes about Roddy’s height are beneath me.