Last Updated: Wed, 13 Septl 2006
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Jagshemash! My
name is Borat. I come from Kazakhstan to make cultural reportings in
US and A. I very lucky that round man named Bernie ask me to visit
Vancouver and make report of football game. Football is fourth most
popular sport in Kazakhstan. Is less popular than table tennis,
rape, and shoot dog, but more popular than carry rocks and throw
dart at Jew. I like Vancouver. Here you have many people who do drug, so you build nice hotel and give needle. Is very good. In Kazakhstan is only one needle so drug user must wait long time for turn. Is hard to be patient. So, I start report of game. Game is played in league of old fat men with coaches fattest men of all. Is like Buddhism. Team of Bernie win game by nine scores. I talk now about Bernie team and player. First player to goal score is JC. I think JC is very poor, because in Kazakhstan poor people cannot afford full name and only have letter. My uncle is very poor. Her name is E. My niece has no money, she get married to older brother and must buy new plow for him. She is too poor to even have letter. Her name is noise made when goat break the wind. JC is first of many of Bernie players also score goals. I like very much gay couple of Rosie and Rod. In Kazakhstan we say Rosie when a woman’s vagina is very loose, and a Rod means a big penis, so I laugh very hard when I hear names. They say they score two of goals each, which is very good for short gay people. Rod prefer falling over to score another goal. He is being nice to other team. I like watch Paul Rob. Paul Rob is trainer in fitness who look like my sister when he is running. He also kick ball like my sister. I ask Fireman Al why Paul Rob has two first names. Fireman Al says Paul Rob is very strange man. Paul Rob try very hard to not score goals but has so many chance he score goal by accident. Other player who score goal is man called Speerchoker. I ask why he called Speerchoker and man named Gee Fair tell very funny story about having the sex with a girl who like to be killed during the intercourse. In Kazakhstan we choke goats during sex. Makes goats less noisy so wife cannot hear. Speerchoker kick ball over net many times and make delicious homburger after game. Gee Fair is very nice man. We both like sex. We talk about sex tricks and he tell me about how he like to lick woman in the rectum. This not done in Kazakhstan because woman not allowed to use paper for toilet until men have already used. I see man make very good tackle of ball to stop other team. Other people call man Professor. In Kazahkstan we have professors in in plow, insecticide making, and masturbation. My uncle is professor of masturbation at University of Almaty, which has classroom. He can masturbate 12 times in one day. Students much watch and cheer to get “A”. Other player who score goal is Richie. I very good understanding accent and think Richie is from small alley in London. Or maybe from Wales. He is player that is so good that he play only with one leg. Because he play only with one leg he does not move much on field, he stay in one place and turn around in circles like retarded dog. He kick ball very hard and fat goalie too lazy to jump, so ball go in net. Player who scored other goal also has very funny name of Cum. He is very good looking and he runs a lot so that everyone can see how good-looking he is. He is good–looking like my son Hooeylewis. Hooeylewis is very liked by girls. He is 13 and all the girls who are ten years old want to marry him. But he only marry two of them. Hooeylewis has four children from each wife but only three are of him because one of his wife have older brother. That is all players that are scoring of goals. Gay couple each score two goals, so that is four goals. JC and Paul Rob score a goal. Choker of prostitutes score goal and handsome Cum. Richie score goal with his one leg. I ask Paul Rob how many that is and he say bad words and ask why I pick on him too. I think Paul Rob is a very strange man. I meet nice other players to. I meet two men name Daliwall. One is skinny and one is fat and they both have nice dark skin. Both are very funny because they say they are from England. English people turn pink in sunshine so they are lying. I like cute young boy called Mike who does turn pink. I think Mike is like altar boy for Bernie. I like Martine who is from Mexico which is country where people visit and go to the bathroom a lot. Tim is from Ha-Wa-ee which is a very funny noise. Player who stands in the goal is called Sean and he is nice and big. He sleep during game except when Fireman Al has ball. I also met man named Gord who is embarrassed about what country he is from because he makes up the name of a country. He try to be funny by saying he is from Fellatio. I am not fool. I say I learn what fellatio is when I come to US and A and say he cannot have come from fellatio because babies cannot come from fellatio. He make strange look and walk away. After game we have very nice time eating delicious homburgers and drinking of the Molsons. We watch teams of young prostitutes play next game and argue with bad ball-stealing pimp. I am grateful to round Bernie for the invite to come to Vancouver and watch game. Please, you are all invited to come and see my movie. If it not success, I execute |
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