The first Coveside game of the year 2006 took place this past Sunday on a cool and cloudy day at Mahon Park. After a Christmas break filled with some superb parties, excellent food, and a large quantity of beer consumed at Junior World Hockey Championship games, many of us returned looking, well, less svelte than when we started the Christmas break. But the added weight didn’t slow us down as we hammered cellar-dwellers Guardians 8-0.

Pre-game, we had our usual superb turnout that we get (a) at the start of any season and (b) whenever we play one of the second division teams. Bernie, still reeling from Celtic’s loss to Clyde (better luck against Bonnie next week) chose the starting lineup from an abundance of players. (According to the Guardian, the last time Celtic had a loss this embarrassing—against Inverness Caledonian Thistle—it spawned the imaginative headline “Super Cally Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious”).

I’m not certain about the starting lineup, but I know Cloudy (“Aren’t there any XXL sizes?”) was in net, and I think the back line consisted of Fergie (who has apparently now adapted successfully to his new bed), Dave H, Brad (the world is a better place now that there are 13 more pounds of Brad) and Randy Ash. Gord, Roddy (who did not grow either up or out over the holidays), Cam and Andy manned the middle and Tim started up front (accompanied by Rob P?). Among the many subs were Gino, Graham, Ken, Mike, Amar, Speers, Ed, and Richie. We also had outstanding support from our coffee club today: we don’t say enough about you guys but we love you, especially when you buy beer after the game.

It was soon pretty clear that this was not going to be a challenging affair. Fergie informed me at kickoff that I should start as last man back until he got his legs under him. Well, his legs seem to work just fine going up the field. About two minutes had passed before a rebound from Tim was converted by Fergie for a 1-0 lead.

Now I tease Fergie, but he played a key role today by marking their centre back right out of the game.

Our second goal came only a minute or two later. Cam played a cheeky chip over the defense to a streaking Tim (who is my second favorite Hawaiian after Dog the Bounty Hunter). He calmly slotted in the second (Tim, not Dog). The third came soon after when Cam met a cross with a looping header into the top corner. It was 3-0 Coveside after about five minutes, and the spectators from the game before were already leaving. Cue Bernie and the revolving door of substitutions. Before long Amar, Speers, Ed, and Ken were manning the back line, Graham and Richie had taken over the centre of midfield, and Rob Paul and Mike took over up front. We’re particularly proud of Speers, who has had some romantic success following on from Amar’s party. (Just remember G-Phair’s rules: no tossing salad until the second date). Now, this was before my time at Coveside, but I believe that the last time one Covesider helped out another in the line of romance was in Vegas when Doc helped someone called Russ?

The 4-0 goal came about halfway into the half. Gino had the ball on the left side of the area and tried to penetrate the defense three or four times before finally passing the ball to an exasperated Richie who had been screaming Gino’s name for about 20 seconds. A side-footed finish (just guess which foot he used!) into the bottom corner made the score 4-0. It was 5-0 before the half as Amar pounced on a loose ball in the area to finish lankily into the bottom corner. 5-0 and we waited expectantly for Bernie’s half time talk to see what we should do for the second half.

The talk was its usual model of precision (in the same way that enemas must be administered with precision). Bernie encouraged us to keep playing well, but to play badly enough that we would not run the score up. Somehow this was also to involve using the width of the field.

With this clear strategy ringing in our ears and now with Cloudy manning the forward line (in a jersey that was Roddy-sized) and Speers in net, we concentrated on keeping possession for the second half and on trying to squander opportunities to score. But we could only squander so many, and Mike was next on the score sheet with a goal that, we he playing for Malones, would have gained him both a goal and an assist: Roddy tried to cross the ball to Cloudy but instead found Mike at the far post. Mike headed the ball off the bar, and when the rebound fell back to him he calmly side-footed into the corner. 6-0 Coveside. Your scribe then picked up his first of the year with a low shot to the far corner. Mike finished the scoring by intercepting an errant pass and finishing well for his second of the game and an 8-0 final. It could have been more but for some very sportsmanlike play from Tim, who passed up an open breakaway to slide the ball out to the left wing.

And speaking of the left wing, that’s where Gord was playing when, in spite of the fact that his team was up 8-0, he grew frustrated by his inability to get around a rather rotund Guardians defender and chopped him down (albeit quite gently) from behind. The left wing is also where Gino was when he was called for a foul throw-in that looked like he was trying to hold onto a greased pig. (Note to Gino: in the future, don’t run your hands through your unwashed bum hair before you take throw-ins). It was noteworthy that the Guardians players were laughing at Gino, as apparently their series of foul throws didn’t meet the necessary threshold to be called (when you’re losing 8-0, it’s only fair that you pretty much have to throw the ball in one-handed or in a Gino-like fashion before getting called).

There was some excitement left, however, as a quick break from the Guardians (quick in the sense that they ran up the field faster than we ran up the field) somehow led to a clear shot on net from about 10 yards out. But Speers, the big meanie, sprawled to make an excellent save. The ball was cleared soon afterwards, and apart from a shoulder injury Richie suffered when he fell on his handbag the game ended uneventfully. 8-0 Coveside in what will probably be our easiest game of the year. That being said, I think the Guardians lads deserve a word of praise for how they acted: they seemed like a nice bunch and didn’t get chippy in spite of their frustration at being on the wrong end of a lopsided score. Here’s hoping they pick up some more good players and become a solid part of the league.

The beer and laughs after the game were as good as ever. Of particular note were Cloudy’s inability to catch and throw an errant ball back onto the field for the next game (we’re so proud of our keeper!), Gino’s choice of post-game wine over beer (nothing like wine and a ride in a Miata on a rainy day), and Mike’s latest in what seems to be an endless collection of toques (in Whitehorse it’s considered gauche to wear the same toque two times in a row). See you all on Wednesday, and let’s hope that the rain slows up enough for our match against Norvan on grass next week to go ahead.