Last Updated: Saturday, 6 January 2007

Coveside 1 - 1 Freybe
Report Details:
Date: 22 Oct 2006
Reporter: TP
Location: Inter Rivers


First things first: in two weeks Martine moves back down to Mexico. So this coming Friday it’s a team night out to wish him all the best. The plan for the moment is to meet up at Steamworks downtown beside Waterfront Station at around 7:30 or 8:00 and go from there. More details will be posted later, but for now keep this coming Friday night free.

When writing these reports, it’s always easier to write about a well-played match where we get a good result. It’s not as much fun to write about a disappointing performance. And although on the one hand, we recovered from a 1-0 deficit against a hard-working Freybe squad to get a 1-1 result, given our poor performance it felt more like we had let two points slip away.

So, as I sat on my couch on Sunday afternoon, pondering these depressing thoughts and looking at the twin scratches left on the back of my leg by the bearded blunt instrument that plays up front for Freybe, I was in need of a dose of perspective. This dose was provided by a documentary on Calcutta brothels that I happened to watch for a few minutes. The part of the show I watched involved two women on different floors of an apartment building screaming at each other. The gist of the argument was that each one was accusing the other of being a bigger slut. As allegations about the number of men slept with flew back and forth, one woman ended the argument with the comment “You are the bigger slut, but you can’t hear me because you have a cock in your ear.”

This comment reminded me not only about the fundamental absurdity in the world, but also that no matter what I write in a match report, I will never say anything funnier than an old uneducated Calcutta prostitute. This realization was strangely relaxing.

As we warmed up on the increasingly slick grass of Inter River field, we were interrupted by a passerby who accused one of us of a urinary infraction against the fence. This passerby seemed inordinately upset over an act that (1) he could not see (no disrespect to the penis allegedly involved, but the passerby was at least 200 yards away when this took place) and (2) would be repeated by his dog shortly afterwards. In the preceding week, the same passerby wrote letters to the paper expressing his anger at how his morning walks are being ruined by urinating mountain bikers, dog walkers, kayakers, joggers, snowboarders, sailors, surfers, and squirrels.

When we took to the field we were still missing some key figures through injury or absence. Eamon continues to ply his trade while wearing pink blazers with black t-shirts and loafers with no socks. Fergie and Jason continue to nurse a hamstring and a groin respectively. Cloudy was out of town, necessitating the return to goal of Richie. And we really missed Rosie, whose ability to create goals out of nothing has perhaps masked some deficiencies in our play.

We started with Dave H and Speerchucker in the middle of defense, with Ken and Randy J on either side. Rob Paul and Cam were in the centre of the park with Rod on one side and Gord on the other. Tim and Gino started up front. Our subs included Doc, Martine, Amar, and Graham. Randy A, Andy, and Brad headed up the coffee club.

The first half was a giant turd. We played the worst half of the season and the less said about it the better, especially as your scribe was responsible for some of the worst passes of the year. Also, my mistake and a bit of bad luck led to Freybe’s first goal. We first violated a cardinal rule of defending by leaving only one man back to defend one Freybe forward on a corner kick, then another cardinal rule by losing the ball with almost our entire team in their area. I committed the third mistake by leaving my feet as the last man back, and the dirty and lucky Freybe forward benefited from a fortunate bounce when my sliding tackle bounced the ball off his legs and straight down the park. He broke in on a clear breakaway and was lucky a second time when Rich got a piece of his shot but not enough to stop it from bouncing into the net. 1-0 Freybe and that’s how it was at the half.

We came out in the second half and played quite a bit better than the first. When I say playing better I mean it in the same way as saying that some turds smell better than other turds. But we did have some nice moments. Some slick passing from Tim and Rod released Cam, whose shot slid just past the post. Rob Paul and Cam’s superior fitness was starting to tell and we took more control of the midfield. And Ken goaded Duzzi into taking a yellow card, which the ref was handing out like Halloween candies. We continued to press hoping a goal would come.

When it did, it was an appropriately scrappy goal. A corner kick from the right corner came through the area to Dave Speers on the far edge of the box. He volleyed the ball back towards the net, and sniper Rob Paul continued his climb up the NSCL scoring charts with a flicked header to tie the score at 1-1.

At this point in the game, with Rich dealing easily with any crosses or shots that came his way only one side looked likely to get the go-ahead goal. And we had our chances. Your scribe had a free header from six yards out off a corner kick but showed his defender’s instincts by ballooning the ball over the net. And when a Freybian handled the ball in a spot that looked suspiciously inside the box, we were hoping for a penalty. But the ref chose to award the foul outside the box and we couldn’t get the free kick on net (see previous remark on ballooning the ball over the net). The final whistle went shortly afterwards for a 1-1 tie. This was probably the fairest result on the day. A 2-1 victory would not have flattered us, but our first half performance probably did not merit it.

Post-game discussions centered on three things that we should work on in the coming weeks:

1. Short passes out of defense. The next defender who tries a long pass when a short pass is available should be called nasty names.
2. Holding the ball up at the front. The next midfielder or forward who tries to dummy or flick the ball instead of controlling it and looking for help should be called nasty names.
3. Marking. The next player who watches a man with the ball in front of him when his man stands unmarked five yards behind him should be called nasty names.

I’m sure we can ask Brad to choose and distribute nasty names were appropriate.

And, as Bernie noted, with more guys at practice it would be easier to work on these things. (A quick word about practice—if you don’t want to come on the run, don’t come on the run. Just come at 9, goof around with the rest of us, and drink some beer afterwards. Our waitress wore a tight-fitting leopard-skin top last time at the pub. What other reason do you need?)

After we got the boring football-related stuff out of the way, the beer and laughs were as good as always. Richie regaled us with his tales of fat horny English women and we collectively wondered at the ages of the girls’ teams playing afterwards so that we could know how guilty we should feel about the things we were thinking. (By the way, there is no web site at stretchingadolescents.com).

See you all this coming Friday at Martine’s going away bash, and hopefully at practice this Wednesday (if my in-laws’ flight in from Pennsylvania arrives early enough for me to join you there).